Saturday, November 10, 2007

Can I get witness!?!

I want to say, that if I were put in the same situations that Buzz puts Steve in in the following story, that I would be an effective witness. I hate to say that I'm scared of situations like this, but I guess that's an honest thing to say...cause I AM scared. I was in Atlanta, Georgia recently and got questioned on some of my beliefs and I just stood there stammering. I didn't even know what to say or how to respond. I feel like such a baby in some of my Biblical understanding, even though I've been in the church all of my life. I think my lack of deep knowledge on stuff keeps me from being confident in my witnessing. But i don't think it should! I have experienced God's grace so much that it flows me off my feet. He brings me peace with my life and past when I have no idea how to find it for myself. He gives me gifts in relationships that I don't feel like I deserve. He blows me away again and again...I think that's enough to give me confidence in order to share my faith. This is an area I'd like to grow in. It's weird to say this, but I guess I'm not exactly sure how. Check this story out:

I had two different men disciple me in college. The first took me through ministry materials each week, along with the “mandatory” one on one we’d agreed on. At the end of my freshmen year, he graduated, we shook hands, and I’ve never heard from him since. That experience taught me that discipleship involves giving a young believer some direction, yes, but requires the pouring out of some affection too. Later in college, God gave me a second man, Buzz (that’s right, Buzz) Underwood, as my discipler and who loved me in spite of myself. I’d never met someone who cared, served, prayed and invested in my life like Buzz did. He didn’t do it to impress others or even out of obedience to God; he did it because he enjoyed being with me — the highest compliment you can pay anyone.

Buzz was the apostle Paul at my college and if you were going to hang with him, you would instantly be labeled a Christian extremist and inevitably be ostracized by certain campus factions. Like a modern day Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, part of me still wanted to be cool and accepted by my fraternity brothers and at the same time appear spiritually radical to the other Christians on campus. Buzz helped me change all that with his version of shock therapy discipleship taken from the Apostle Paul’s second letter to Timothy, his young disciple. Even though my safe, comfortable life was traumatized, I forever learned three of Buzz’s paradigm shifting secrets of turning Christians into disciples.

Secret #1: Expose the Embarrassment

Buzz was a senior ROTC student who doubled as a Resident Assistant in a men’s dorm, but from all appearances he had as his primary goal in life to show me how ashamed I was of the gospel. One night as I was coming over to his dorm for our weekly small group, Buzz happened to hop on the elevator at the last second. Instead of greeting me, he casually leaned up against the side of the crowded elevator and acting like he didn’t know me, said, “Hey buddy. What’s that in your hand?”

Of course, all 12 sets of eyes were glued to the flashing floor numbers above, pretending they weren’t listening to every single word exchanged between Buzz and I. Pausing to catch my breath, I sheepishly responded in a low voice,

“It’s a Bible, Buzz.”

“A Bible!” he shouted, “That’s not that stuff that talks about Jesus Christ being the Son of God, is it?!”

After turning 18 shades of red, I finally lowered my head and whispered, “Yeah, Buzz. That’s what it says.”

He wasn’t through with his thrashing, though, and added, “You don’t really believe that stuff, do you?” Luckily, the door to our floor opened and I was rescued from having to answer his final question.

Even though I wanted to vanish from the face of the earth during those painfully drawn-out seconds on the elevator, I later was very grateful to Buzz, who exposed my unwillingness to totally identify with Jesus Christ, the Scriptures and ─ Buzz himself. As cruel as it seems, he was only trying to help me, even as the Apostle Paul challenged young Timothy, to “not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or be ashamed of me His prisoner, but join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. (2 Timothy 1:8). Little did I know that my training had just begun. . . .

Secret #2: Prepare for Impact

A few weeks later Buzz asked me to go with him to visit a resident assistant friend of his in a nearby dorm. I agreed ─ not fully comprehending yet that Buzz was into teaching me “object lessons” wherever we went! So up we zoomed to the 10th story, but when the elevator door opened, we couldn’t get out because of the 60 freshmen packed in together, waiting for a floor meeting to begin. As we squeezed out from the closing elevator, I looked around at the sea of guys sitting and staring up at us. Instantly, Buzz’s friend recognized us and said, “Buzz, good to have you with us tonight. I’ll turn it over to you.”

Without hesitation, Buzz, imitating a late night talk show host, warmed up the crowd by announcing, “It’s great to be with you guys. I want to introduce our speaker tonight, Steve Shadrach.” He then turned to me, and through his devious smile simply says… “Steve.”

Shocked and appalled, I rotated my head from Buzz’s smirk to the waiting eyes of my young audience. “Well…. it is, uh, good to be with, uh, you guys tonight”, nervously stuttering and stalling all the way.

I really don’t recall details of what I said over the next 15 minutes or so, but I do remember gaining enough presence of mind to move into my personal testimony and then into a gospel explanation. Later, it was obvious to me that this was a total set up and that Buzz was trying to “prime the pump” by putting me in a situation to see if I would be willing and able to share my faith ─ without even a moment’s notice.

Again, I see a parallel in how hesitant and timid Timothy was, but still Paul exhorted him in 2 Timothy 4:2 to “preach the Word; be ready in season and out of season…” I was starting to see this Great Commission thing was 24 hours a day, seven days a week and Buzz was preparing me to impact others for Christ anywhere, anytime. He knew, though, that the outer witness was only as strong as the inward character and although I pretended to be modest, I still had an ego the size of Texas…

Secret # 3: Love the Unlovable

You see, I thought I was the campus Billy Graham until I met Buzz, and even though I was like a wild bucking bronco when it came to respecting or submitting to his spiritual leadership, he never gave up on me. Buzz and I lived together my senior year where he would constantly make my bed and fix the meals. I repaid his kindnesses by begrudgingly sitting in his early-morning Bible study with a blanket wrapped around my head to protest the indecent hour.

Once, during a prayer walk we took together, in the middle of his very sincere petition, I glared at his bowed head and scoffed, “You’re the biggest phony I’ve ever met!” If there was ever a time I deserved for someone to call me a slimy imbecile and whack me, it was then. Instead, he patiently smiled, put his hand on my shoulder, looked right into my eyes — and soul — then quietly uttered four unbelievable words, “I love you, Steve.”

That was the final straw. All of my defenses totally broke down and my rebellious heart melted into surrender as I finally grasped how authentic his love was for me. Like Jesus, instead of striking back, he absorbed my assault and extended kindness in return. In 2 Timothy 2:24-25, Paul instructed Timothy to do likewise: “The Lord’s bondservant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wrong, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition.” I realized that I had been against leadership unless, of course, I was the leader! The real phony was staring back at me in the mirror as I tried to hide my arrogance with a humility performance that could have won me an Oscar.

Finally broken, I remember the exact day and place I was walking in front of the school library where I made the once and for all decision that I would be one person—not two! I’d been playing both sides of the fence but, with Buzz’s help, was determined not to allow other’s opinions to paralyze me any longer. From that point on, I was going to walk toward my fears, forsaking my “esteemed reputation” in favor of suffering for the gospel, like Paul modeled to Timothy. Renouncing my agenda to fulfill God’s, I yearned for Him to light the flame of revival on my campus, but ultimately understood that He wanted to use my life as the fuel.

Buzz’s version of shock therapy discipleship had dramatically impacted me. I’m not saying it’s the best approach for everyone, but sometimes moving from simply a “run of the mill” Christian to a radical disciple requires drastic measures.

Thanks Buzz!

Friday, September 7, 2007

Restless...

Saw this on a friend's page. It hit me pretty hard. It actually refers exactly to a journal entry I made a couple of days ago:

"O Lord, You have made us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless till they rest in You."
-Austine in his Confessions

Sometimes my heart feels so completely restless. I don't know what to do with it and I get overwhelmed. I find myself driving around town or the countryside, sitting in abandoned soccer fields overlooking the city, just not quite too sure what to do with myself. My heart, as restless as can be...so much so that I feel like it's going to explode out of my chest. It makes my thoughts run a mile a minute and I never know who to talk to about it cause I'm not sure anyone would even understand.

God-my heart is restless. It was made for You. You made us for YOURSELF. That is an amazing thought. My heart was MADE to be satisfied by God alone. Help me learn to rest my heart in You.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

i'm a boy...

I don't know who reads this stupid blog. I'm not posting this article to say, "Look at how you boys take our emotionally unstable hearts and tear them to pieces!" It's quite the opposite, actually. I was reading this article and the whole time I couldn't help but think...I'm the boy in this. Somehow, through life's fun twists and turns (sarcasm?) I have somehow, I believe, become emotionally detached in relationships. Sometimes I think I forget to pay attention to the fact that they may be getting attached while I am not. What in the world is wrong with me?!?

Here's the article. Note: Wherever it says "boy" or "man"...just substitute in the word "Beth".

Not Your Buddy- by Suzanne Hadley
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001200.cfm

...aaaaaand.....apparently I need to read this book....






Ridiculous.

My pastor told me that the reason I have a hard time committing is because I haven't found the person that I wanted to commit to yet. I guess that could be the case.

I read a post on a friend's blog one time that said something like this, "Couldn't the fear of commitment be a good thing?" He went on to talk about how the fear of commitment gets a bad rap all the time, but maybe it's actually beneficial because it keeps people from committing to relationships that may not be right for them.

Something to think about.





that's where i come from...

"Tough girls come from New York. Sweet girls come from Georgia. But us Virginia girls, we have fire and ice in our blood. We can ride horses, be a debutante, throw left hooks and play poker with the boys, all while making sweet tea, darlin'. And if we have an opinion, you know you're going to hear it."
~ Ashley Judd

I stole this from a friend's page and changed a couple of the words to fit a little better...but i like it. :)

Monday, July 9, 2007

and it's over just like that...

So much anticipation. So much planning. So much money. And it's all over. Unbelievable.
I think I'll elope.
My sister's wedding was amazing.


Sarah and Stuart at the rehearsal dinner.



Me and Sarah at rehearsal. Seriously...good food.



Sarah waiting to get her hair done. She's pretty.

Calming little sis' nerves before the big walk.

Dad always helps.


My brother and dad...in their boots!


All grown up and married...Sarah and Stuart Fairweather!



Mmmm...Cake...


Me and Stu-Pot.


Like father, like daughter.
It is....RIDICULOUS...how much we are like.
And it's getting worse...

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Thursday, May 17, 2007

30 Hour Famine


Awesome weekend. I've done the 30 Hour Famine before. Just not quite like this. In days past it has always seemed like a glorified lock-in. The kids come and get a kick out of taunting each other the whole time with stories of big juicy steaks, mashed potatoes and gravy, and a HUGE glass of sweet tea (I should stop there. #1 I'm giving myself away with the sweet tea line...it was probably me taunting...and #2 it's making me hungry...) They don't eat for 30 hours, but to take their mind off of the slight...seriously...slight...hunger pains, they spend their time watching the latest movies, playing on rented inflatables, putt-putting, or other things of the like.

Not this time. The kids were challenged...I was challenged.

We started the evening with making supper. No, not for us. We took what we made (or helped make, i should say) over to the local Salvation Army and watched as people that were really hungry came through the line with slightly wary, but definitely grateful eyes. A bunch of smiling, peppy high schoolers dished out the goods to individuals who I'm sure wondered what exactly our motives were. I don't blame them. I've done service projects in the past to make ME feel good. How selfish. But tonight, I think our kids were definitely going to get at least a little bit of a feel for what it's like to be...homeless...or hungry...or enslaved. Once the plates were piled high with food, the kids scattered amongst the crowd and sat down to conversations with strangers that would open their eyes to an important fact. These people were...people. Just like themselves.

After washing the dishes and leaving behind plenty of leftovers, we moved from our first stop to our second: Our Community Place. A local joint that has the dreams of becoming another "beacon of HOPE" in the Valley. Cardboard boxes were passed out to each of the kids as they were told, this was home for the night. They quickly began to build their "cardboard community", shelter for an evening. With cardboard boxes much nicer than any you would find in a local dumpster (i would soon find out just how sturdy they were- enough to withstand wake up kicks from the boys in the morning), they made temporary homes along with skylights, doors, and chimneys. It was fun to watch them be creative. We hoped to get the message across that this is life for some people, and not only when it's nearing summertime warmth.

Once our beds were in place, we all gathered around a projector screen where many kids saw things they'd never seen before. The story of the "invisible children" soon became the heartbeat of many as local high schoolers from Harrisonburg realized they wanted to do something about the injustice in the world. Watching kids walk for miles each day just to get a spot on a cold, wet, cement floor where it was safe...or at least more safe...seemed to strike a nerve. Silence followed, and kids made their way to their boxes shortly after, probably feeling overwhelmed, as I did, about the huge need, and their tiny existence. People needed their help. More people than just those at the local Harrisonburg Salvation Army. More people that were...people. Just like themselves.

With the sunrise came a new day. Running on very little energy, the kids spent the entire morning mowing, raking, pulling weeds, planting flowers, and trying to help where they could in the community. Not a complaint was heard.

Even the end of our fast was a learning experience. Instead of us all eating at once and all the same thing, we were split up into groups with red dots, yellow dots and blue dots. The red dots sat at a fancy table and were served pancakes, sausage links, fresh fruit, milk and all kinds of good stuff. They could have as many "second plates" as they wanted. They yellow dots sat at decent tables, had to serve themselves, and got to eat cereal and milk. When the food was gone, they were done. The blue dots, the large majority of the group, had to sit on the floor, and eat burned sticky rice with their hands. The point was to show that the majority of the world lives in poverty while a small percentage holds most of the wealth. It was astonishing to see it played out that way.

Through all of it, I think the thing that I learned the most was that we are all equal. We're all the same. People are people. The only difference between myself and a child in Africa who has nothing to eat today, tomorrow, and many more days to come until his bowl of sticky rice arrives to hold him over till the next meal comes days later, is that for some reason I was born here. Is that fair? Absolutely not.

I want to do something about it.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Quarter Life Crisis

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

-unknown

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Something to keep in your pocket...

I stole this off of Lisa...

It's like love that way; once you arrive, once you are firmly aground in a love, you begin to see that it has cracks and rough edges and dirty spots, pockets of toxins, less privacy, maybe, than what you had imagined. But if you are willing to remember the initial distant beauty of a love or a daydream, and if you are willing to live in that beauty up close even with all its imperfections...then the dream is yours to have. People who can remember that on a daily basis are lucky, because they get to spend their time swimming and kissing instead of always looking off into the distance, making up things that aren't necessarily true about places or people who are far away. It's almost too easy to avoid living the dream you are in while questing for one more perfectly imagined. Half of being a dreamer is dreaming and half of it is actually living in your dreams.
-off the map

...something I need to learn...

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

A Prayer

Oh Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, unity;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is error, truth;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is sadness, joy;
Where there is darkness, light.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;

For it is in the giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

St Francis of Assisi

Thursday, April 19, 2007

The Lord is my Shepherd...

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.”
-2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Though you may not be directly tied to something as painful as the tragedy at Virginia Tech this past Monday, always look for opportunities to help someone who is going through something so difficult. Seek to be obedient as the Lord puts you in situations where He can use you.

Lord, I pray that you never waste one of my hurts. I want to be used by You to help others that hurting. Give me compassion, so that I can give it away. Give me love, so that I can give it away. May I never keep it for myself.

Friday, April 6, 2007

sweet mary.









Who's going to a Ben Folds concert on Tuesday?
I am.
Heavens to Bessie, I'm excited.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

being aware.

"When you have the opportunity, take a look at a clock with a second hand. Stop what you are doing and just watch two minutes pass. In the grand scheme of things, two minutes might seem very short; but, consider the quality time you could have had with someone you know, someone you might meet, or someone you have lost. Every two minutes we have in this life can be spent doing something or spent doing nothing. I prefer to do something...whether I am spending quality time with the people I care about, pursuing new experiences, or doing anything else meaningful in my life. I work hard and I know will be a successful person when my life is over because, in many ways, I am successful already. I cannot always be doing the right thing, no one can. However, I try to spend every two minutes growing as a person and helping others rather than wasting time on that which is insignificant. "
-written by a friend-

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Be still and know...

I'm learning. Slowly.

I moved home to Virginia exactly 3 months ago today. The transition has been a little difficult, but I really feel like God's been teaching me a lot. I'm a pretty stubborn learner. It normally takes me losing something, whether that be a piece of myself, something I treasure, or a person that's close to me. I'm not sure why I don't seem to listen the first time. Maybe I think I can figure it all out for myself. Well, I can't. That's for sure.

I think the lesson that He's been trying to get across to me recently is that I can trust Him. I've always been told I can, but sometimes things you're told aren't always easy to believe or understand. I put a lot of faith in things I can touch, or see, in friends or family that I respect, and in my own ability to figure things out or handle things. I may be reiterating what I said in the first paragraph, but I believe that He had to let me be broken in order for me to realize my huge need for Him. Believe it or not, I actually preached a sermon on this very subject in college. I guess I needed to heed my own words. Knowing something in your head doesn't necessarily mean that you know it in your heart.

So how does He teach me? Do you remember Algebra? Do you remember how to solve Algebra problems? I have to admit that I would have a problem remembering if it hadn't been for my recent experience with substitute teaching middle school. Talk about putting me on the spot.

"Miss Harrison, I'm not sure how to do this math problem."
"Well that's funny. I don't really know how to do that either. I guess I can ummm...
...try and figure it out? Leeeeet's see...ummm...Allllgebra 1, huh?"

Someone please tell me how you come off as a credible substitute teacher after the kids figure out you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Ok...I'm getting sidetracked.

Algebra. If the problem looked something like this...
256 + X = 473
...you would subtract the 256 from both sides to get X by itself so that X would then equal 217.

So what's the point? The point is, in order to get an answer, you have to get rid of all the other stuff so that you can figure out what X equals. See the analogy? Maybe? Haha. I could be reaching on this one...but...I really think that in order for God to get me to listen, in order for Him to help me find my purpose, my direction, my "equal sign", He has to break me down. He has to take away all the other stuff that surrounds me, the stuff that makes life look difficult. Once He gets me by myself, then He can start to talk to me. Because that's when I start to listen.

I'm a pretty social person. I like to be around people. The problem is, a lot of times people are a distraction for me. It's in those quiet moments when I'm sitting at home alone that the Lord starts to speak, because He knows that's when I'll be listening.

"Be still and know that I am God."

Lord, give me ears to hear.