Can these bones live?

"For all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23

Let me start this off by saying: I have been redeemed. 

There was a period of my life where sin ruled. Where I wasn't being sensitive to the Holy Spirit, which is actually a huge understatement. Not being sensitive = completely and totally ignoring.

God delivered me from my sin. But its effect on me maintained a tight grip.

For years I was so focused on my failures that I began to dry up. In my guilt, I avoided God. The longer I avoided Him, the farther I felt from Him. It was a distance that I was creating because of this feeling that I had that I needed to pay for my sin. It was over the summer of 2011, at a church in Chicago, that a pastor spoke about allowing the message of Grace to truly take hold of our hearts. Do I have a higher standard than God himself? Surely not. Then why in the world do I continue to hold my failures above my head, if God has already forgiven them? Do I not believe that the Jesus' death on the cross was big enough to pay for my sins?

What I have gotten caught up with in the past is the idea that because I chose to rebel, it is my duty to somehow pay for those sins. Because I have no way of doing that, I've often felt like if I show my deepest regret over them, I would somehow be able to come out from under their weight.

My payment was despair.

That summer was foundational for me in my walk with the Lord. It was the day I found freedom. It was a long time coming. Since then, God has slowly, but surely, been drawing me back to himself. And He is faithful to give me reminders that the Cross alone can pay for my sin.

In church this week, Erik (one of our teaching elders) said that whether you are in rebellion or despair, you're actually operating out of two scenarios that stem from the same cause - a focus on self.
(To watch the sermon, go here)

In rebellion, you're doing what self wants to do. It's acting in opposition to what you know God is asking of you or calling you to. It's a denial of the Holy Spirit's tapping, sometimes to the point where the tapping fades and you no longer hear it. "Our rebellion leads us to circumstances in life that break us."

In despair, your focus is on self. Self-pity, self-blame, self-loathing...lots of types of despair. It starts with depravity, "moral corruption or degradation", and as it continues, leads to despair.

At least that's how it was in my case.

To continue to stay focused on my own guilt, my own wrong doings or past sin, is to continue to reject the power of Christ's sacrifice on the Cross. It's to believe the lie that somehow, I have to pay for my own sins. This is an impossibility. It's through the Cross alone that sins can be covered. This is FREEDOM; from sin and from guilt. It's a call to quit with the self-loathing, and live in a new life that has been provided by the free gift of Grace.

I have a new favorite Bible Story.
It's The Valley of Dry Bones. Ezekiel 37: 1-15.

"The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley, it was full of bones. And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold they were very dry. (Emphasis on the impossibility of bringing these dry bones back to life) And he said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered "O Lord God, you know." Then he said to me, "Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD. Thus says the Lord God to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. And I will lay sinews upon you and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the LORD." So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I prophesied, there was a sound, and behold, a rattling, and the bones came together, bone to its bone. And I looked and behold, there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them. But there was no breath in them. Then he said to me, "prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, THus says the Lord God: Come form the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live." So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived an stood on their feet, and exceedingly great army. 

I didn't muster up enough breath for myself and cause myself to go from dead to living. And to be honest, I'm still probably at the point where the bones are rattling and still trying to come back together.
But there is new life forming. And I'm excited about it.

Can these bones live? Absolutely. And I give God all the glory.

Turn my eyes to Your face
Let me draw from Your strength
And bathe in Your grace
Let me soar with wings to win this race
Let me have Your peace it's not a hopeless chase
'Cause I lose sight of all You have called me to be
And it takes so much to drop me to my knees

But I can't wait to be free
From this life of mindless sin that compromises me
I know one day I will be
There is a victory that You've won for me
And when You come back again
I'll be free

Sustaining Love

I haven't really ever written much on this blog that I would consider of "serious" matter. Maybe a better way to put that is I have written much that I would consider of true importance. A couple of outfit posts, some pictures of mugs, me in a Santa outfit. You know...trivial. I think that's about to change.

I want to start this post off by saying, it's going to get worse before it gets better. If I were to describe my marriage, I think I would akin it to the Rocky Mountains and the Mojave Desert. Long, high mountain tops with weeks of fun between the two of us and pretty solid communication. But these experiences are almost always followed by some sand and grit.

I...was a terrible wife this week. Dreadful. I found myself in the Desert and decided to set up camp.
That's right, I chose to wallow.

I think that I've confessed this already to almost every person that I've had a conversation with. For some reason, if I've had a moment alone with a friend, I haven't been able to hold it in. I think I have felt so despicable that it seemed like the only way to redeem my "horrible wife week" was to confess it. To every.single.person.i.know. It's come up a lot.

It all started pretty harmlessly. Marriage is tough, ya know? I absolutely love my husband, I truly believe he is God's gift to me, but sometimes I just get a little irritated. The annoying things stand out a little more. And if you're married, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Because you, my friend, are 1.married, but 2. human and 3. married to another human. We love each other, but every now and then we get annoyed/irritated/fed up with/angry at/moody to...each other. It can be the teeniest, tiniest little thing that set it off, but then it starts to snowball. This annoying thing leads to that annoying thing, and before long you've got the Abominable staring you in the face.

And when that happens, my gut reaction is: alone time. Leave me alone. I hole up. I find reasons to avoid. I don't answer questions with full sentences...or even half sentences...and sometimes not even with WORDS. Grunts, head nods, etc. I'm SUPER mature this way. How MISERABLE. He tells me details about his day. "That's cool." He tells me it's fun to have me working from home. "Yeeeaaaah." He continues, in spite of my snark-i-ness, to pursue me. And I continue, because of my snark-i-ness, to chafe at his pursuit.

Oh, I notice I'm doing it. That's the worst part. After each one of my half-hearted, let-me-show-you-just-how-much-you're-annoying-me responses, when G walks away without success again, I have a pang of guilt. Something is tapping at my little soul. My little ungrateful, caught-up-in-my-self again soul. And hour after hour, day after day, I continue to ignore the tap. It's telling me I'm being rude. Ignore. It's telling me that I'm not demonstrating love. Ignore. It's telling me I'm putting myself above him. Ignore.

And I continued to ignore it. Until a week and a half later, I've built a wall up that's higher than a hot air balloon on a windy day. (Pretty high, right?)

And then one day, now that the tension in our little apartment is thicker than my own head-o-hair (wow), I realize that I don't even have a valid reason to have pushed him away, and suddenly my cards are showing. I'm now vulnerable, because I'm left with needing to explain what is wrong...and I've got nothing. A couple of annoyances? Really, Beth?

Wow. What a lame duck I am sometimes.

All I can do is apologize. And pray that this instance will prove to be useful in future instances. That I'll remember how not beneficial this has been. How damaging and hurtful it was to avoid.

Thank goodness that I'm married to man and serving a God who both love me in spite of myself!

I read an incredible quote today about marriage from Dietrich Bonhoeffer (no, I can't claim I was reading his book. This is a stolen from facebook.)

It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, 
the marriage that sustains your love.

I do admit, sometimes in leaning on the Covenant of Marriage that I made with my husband, I find myself falling back in love with him all over again. The Covenant that we made keeps us together, even when we have a hard time loving each other. And by staying together, we continue to find love in ways we never expected. It's a pretty beautiful thing. 

Spring Preview Day

Though it may not seem like it from my recent posts, there has been more going on in the Suhr household than just a whole bunch of cake-making. :) 

    

Two weeks ago was Spring Preview Day, an event we host for prospective students here at Biola University. This is my second biggest event of the year, with over 600 students and parents coming on campus to check out the school and see if it's a fit for them. It can get pretty stressful the week of these events and late nights in the office are a common occurrence. Usually, though, we power through and make it happen.

This year was a little different.

One week before the event, I was at Garrett and I's Grace Group (small group at our church) and we were going around sharing prayer requests. I have to admit that I do a lot of things on my own. I just figure it out, push through, and do it. So when prayer request time comes around, there's not much on my mind that I consider desperate enough for a prayer requests. (Not that you have to be desperate to pray about something. I think this is what I'm learning).

We were going around the circle and some people were offering up common life issues as things they were needing to trust God with. When it got around to me, I almost felt guilty. I had this huge event coming up, and I hadn't once stopped to ask God for help with it. So I mentioned this to the group, saying maybe it was my dependance on God that needed prayer. I was serious, but in the moment it also seemed a little funny. My prayer request was that I would have more prayer requests. Not that life would require them, but that I would trust God more with daily things.

The next day I got sick.

I'm talking, coughing every twenty seconds, achy, can't sleep from coughing sick.

How long did it last?

All week.

So what did I have to do?

I had to pray.

I asked God for strength to make it through.

He provided it.

And He provided others who eagerly stepped in and helped carry the load for the week.

Usually, the week before this event means super late nights. Not this time. We left at 6 or 7 most nights, and only stayed till 9 on Friday. The night before each event, I am usually up constantly, my mind racing with last minute details. It didn't happen this time. I slept peacefully. When Sunday rolled around, and all the eager kiddos and their parents arrived on campus, I knew this time was different than others. It had truly been a team effort, and one that God had orchestrated. The event flowed smoothly, and there even times I was standing around a little unsure of what to do with myself. Everything was covered. 

Thanks God, for a lesson in dependence on You. 

I may need a recap here soon. Keep reminding me of my own frailty. 

Restless...

Saw this on a friend's page. It hit me pretty hard. It actually refers exactly to a journal entry I made a couple of days ago:

"O Lord, You have made us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless till they rest in You."
-Austine in his Confessions

Sometimes my heart feels so completely restless. I don't know what to do with it and I get overwhelmed. I find myself driving around town or the countryside, sitting in abandoned soccer fields overlooking the city, just not quite too sure what to do with myself. My heart, as restless as can be...so much so that I feel like it's going to explode out of my chest. It makes my thoughts run a mile a minute and I never know who to talk to about it cause I'm not sure anyone would even understand.

God-my heart is restless. It was made for You. You made us for YOURSELF. That is an amazing thought. My heart was MADE to be satisfied by God alone. Help me learn to rest my heart in You.

A Prayer

Oh Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, unity;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is error, truth;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is sadness, joy;
Where there is darkness, light.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;

For it is in the giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

St Francis of Assisi

The Lord is my Shepherd...

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.”
-2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Though you may not be directly tied to something as painful as the tragedy at Virginia Tech this past Monday, always look for opportunities to help someone who is going through something so difficult. Seek to be obedient as the Lord puts you in situations where He can use you.

Lord, I pray that you never waste one of my hurts. I want to be used by You to help others that hurting. Give me compassion, so that I can give it away. Give me love, so that I can give it away. May I never keep it for myself.

Be still and know...

I'm learning. Slowly.

I moved home to Virginia exactly 3 months ago today. The transition has been a little difficult, but I really feel like God's been teaching me a lot. I'm a pretty stubborn learner. It normally takes me losing something, whether that be a piece of myself, something I treasure, or a person that's close to me. I'm not sure why I don't seem to listen the first time. Maybe I think I can figure it all out for myself. Well, I can't. That's for sure.

I think the lesson that He's been trying to get across to me recently is that I can trust Him. I've always been told I can, but sometimes things you're told aren't always easy to believe or understand. I put a lot of faith in things I can touch, or see, in friends or family that I respect, and in my own ability to figure things out or handle things. I may be reiterating what I said in the first paragraph, but I believe that He had to let me be broken in order for me to realize my huge need for Him. Believe it or not, I actually preached a sermon on this very subject in college. I guess I needed to heed my own words. Knowing something in your head doesn't necessarily mean that you know it in your heart.

So how does He teach me? Do you remember Algebra? Do you remember how to solve Algebra problems? I have to admit that I would have a problem remembering if it hadn't been for my recent experience with substitute teaching middle school. Talk about putting me on the spot.

"Miss Harrison, I'm not sure how to do this math problem."
"Well that's funny. I don't really know how to do that either. I guess I can ummm...
...try and figure it out? Leeeeet's see...ummm...Allllgebra 1, huh?"

Someone please tell me how you come off as a credible substitute teacher after the kids figure out you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Ok...I'm getting sidetracked.

Algebra. If the problem looked something like this...
256 + X = 473
...you would subtract the 256 from both sides to get X by itself so that X would then equal 217.

So what's the point? The point is, in order to get an answer, you have to get rid of all the other stuff so that you can figure out what X equals. See the analogy? Maybe? Haha. I could be reaching on this one...but...I really think that in order for God to get me to listen, in order for Him to help me find my purpose, my direction, my "equal sign", He has to break me down. He has to take away all the other stuff that surrounds me, the stuff that makes life look difficult. Once He gets me by myself, then He can start to talk to me. Because that's when I start to listen.

I'm a pretty social person. I like to be around people. The problem is, a lot of times people are a distraction for me. It's in those quiet moments when I'm sitting at home alone that the Lord starts to speak, because He knows that's when I'll be listening.

"Be still and know that I am God."

Lord, give me ears to hear.