Ordinary

I never write here.
I think most of my posts have something in them that say, "Man, I really wish I blogged more!"
I guess I just never feel like there's anything so important to say that it matters to write it down.
That can't be right, though.
I look around me and see people writing very important and meaningful things on their blogs all the time.
How could I be the only one that doesn't have something to say?
I'm not accepting it.
There have been so many times when I thought, "Jeepers, I'm just gonna delete this thing."
It just seems pointless to keep it up.
But wouldn't deleting it be giving in?
Wouldn't deleting it be allowing myself to give up on something I really want to do?
I feel like my whole life has been one of mediocrity.
Everything I do, I do it almost half-heartedly.
Basketball. Volleyball. Running. (Why can I only think of sports right now?)
Piano and Guitar.
My faith.
Friendships.
Exploring my creativity.
I just never feel like I really do something with everything I have.
I can't give up.
I won't.

I was once told that I give up on things because I'm afraid of failing at them.
My level of perfectionism for myself is so high, that I'd rather not do it, sometimes not even start it, because that would mean there's a possibility I will fail.

The other day I wrote a friend, saying I was afraid to commit to meeting with her at a specific time every week. I was afraid I was going to let her down, going to make an unrealistic commitment, and not be the friend she needed me to be. She said, " You're cute :) I think anyone who has high expectations of themselves always kind of feels like they're not always doing or capable of doing what they wish they were." I was totally blown away. I've seen this girl on a handful of occasions, we've had a couple conversations, and she's already got me pegged. It was actually really helpful, though, to know that she understood where I was coming from, and that it's not that I just don't want to do something, it's that I'm afraid of not being able to do it.

How do I break this cycle?

I guess this little note is going to have to end with..."to be continued."

:)

*sigh*